Back in September 2009 I wrote this post about the worst movies I have ever seen. Of course, they were all my own personal opinion since I am in no way a movie critic or an expert in the cinematic arts. Since writing it, I have discovered there are loads of other crappy movies that I failed to trash to smithereens. So, I’m starting a new feature called, Bad Movie Review, just for shiz and gigs. I like to practice a lot of different writing styles, and reviewing bad movies is my attempt at humor. So without further ado, here is my latest trashing of a bad movie.
(It is no coincidence I chose to post about the horrible movie “Pearl Harbor” on the 70th Anniversary of the attack).
You’re not supposed to actually laugh out loud when a main character dies, but that’s exactly what I did when Josh Hartnett bit the dust in this glorious display of cinematic horse manure. “It’s so cold Rafe, it’s so cold.”
So you can guess by the title of this movie it’s about the Japanese attack on America on December 7, 1941 and America’s entering into World War II. If you didn’t know that, crack open a book once and a while, pretty boy! And while they try to be all historically accurate they had to go and ruin the movie by throwing in a pretty pathetic love triangle between Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett, and that big-headed guy, Ben Affleck. If they had just focused on that true American hero Petty Officer Doris Miller played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. (who unlike his co-stars can act but hasn’t shown it since he won the Oscar) and the historical events leading up to the bombing, this might have been a decent movie.
But it’s directed by Michael Bay (of “Transformer’s” fame) and he knows that sex sells. He did it first with Kate Beckinsale, and then next with Megan Fox. Only the love triangle was so pathetic, if I hadn’t already been married when I saw this movie, I would have sworn off love forever. Big-headed Ben plays Rafe and Josh plays his best buddy Danny. They grew up together, are bffs for life, and I think joined the Navy together or something, but really I wasn’t paying that much attention. I think being in the Navy is how they ended up in Hawaii, but who can be sure? Rafe falls in love with a beautiful nurse played by Kate. Oh sure, Kate resists Rafe’s charms at first because we have 183 minutes to kill and you can’t use that time to educate the American public about an important historical event. They fall in love because they’re in Hawaii and that’s what you do when you’re surrounded by palm trees. Pretty soon a wrench is thrown into their love story when Rafe is sent off on a mission to somewhere I forget but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the war. Well little Rafey’s plane is shot down or something (again, not really paying attention…my belly button was more interesting at this point) and word gets back to Danny and Kate that Rafe is dead as a door nail. Both Danny and Kate grieve hard for Rafe, which apparently means having hot sex in an airplane hanger to numb that sweet, sweet pain. Kate ends up preggo with Danny’s spawn, but that’s not all folks…by some miracle Rafe is actually, dun dun dun, alive! So Danny and Rafe fight, get drunk, fight some more, and wake up with a hangover in the middle of Pearl Harbor being bombed. The next few scenes are of the attack and about the only good thing about the movie because finally the movie is about something. And of course Danny dies in Rafe’s arms but not before Rafe tells him he’s going to be a Daddy. No Rafe, you are, Danny tells him before he croaks. Which induces me into a fit of giggles.
In 2006 the hubs and I visited the real Pearl Harbor, which is the only reason I watched this movie, because I was interested in learning more after being there. I actually thought this crap-tastic display was a slap in the face to the men and women who died there. Note to Michael Bay…if you want to make a movie about an important historical event and have a non-fiction story drive that movie, call Steven Spielberg and get tips on how it’s really done.