FYI (if you’re a teenage boy)

(edited to add: For the irony-impaired, this is SATIRE)

Dear boys,

I have some information that might interest you. Last night, as we sometimes do, our family sat around the dining-room table and looked through your social media photos. Because we’re creepy like that.

We have a teenage daughter, and so naturally there are quite a few pictures of you handsome boys to wade through. Wow – you sure took a bunch of selfies in your pajamas this summer!  Your bedrooms are so dirty! Don’t you know how to clean your rooms? Our nine-year-old son brought this to our attention, because with one older sister who has a room that smells like an old dead hamster, he notices boyish details like that.

I think the girls notice other things. For one, it appears that you are not wearing a shirt.

I get it – you’re in your room, so you’re heading to bed, right? But then I can’t help but notice the big muscles pose, the extra-arched back to show off your rock-hard abs, and the smirky grin.  What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know. Because I’m a woman. And rock hard abs left me four children ago.  And I like to judge others based on my own standard behavior.

So, here’s the bit that I think is important for you to realize.  If you are friends with a daughter of mine on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole fam-dam-ly.

Please understand this, also: we genuinely like keeping up with you. We enjoy seeing life through your unique and colorful lens – which is what makes your latest self-portrait so extremely unfortunate. You just aren’t good enough. We’re the Joneses. Now keep up with us.

Those posts don’t reflect who you are! We think you are handsome and probably interesting, and, if I’m being generous, very smart. But, we had to cringe and wonder what you were trying to do? Who are you trying to reach? What are you trying to say? Because we literally have nothing better to do than judge and examine the lives of teenage boys.

And now – big bummer – we have to block your posts. Because, the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our daughter, just as we know your parents care about you. But not as much as we care about our kids because we’re totes better parents than your parents.

I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage daughter seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a female sees you in a state of undress, she can’t ever un-see it?  You don’t want my daughter to only think of you in this sexual way, do you? Because if she does, it will be YOUR fault. Our daughter does not have free agency. She is incapable of controlling her thoughts and actions so you must do it for her. Seriously, she can’t.  It’s some sort of chromosome condition that only occurs with the XX.

Neither do we.  I mean, I don’t want my daughter to think of you in a sexual way, but I’m not gonna try and make myself un-see a picture of Ryan Gosling in just a towel.  I mean, yum. And It’s not like he’s a real person.

And so, in our house, there are no second chances, boys.  Because we’re just mean like that. I know, I know. We proclaim to be Christians who believe in the power of the atonement and all. But we’re not Jesus, so only he has to forgive you. Us? Well, we are just going to judge you all we can and shame you and infer that you’re giant bags of whore on the internet.

If you want to stay friendly with the females in my family, you’ll have to keep your clothes on (unless you’re Ryan Gosling), and your posts decent.  And interesting. I mean, no one wants to read that “Roman is having an okay day and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station.” All of your posts should revolve around me and what I find interesting. If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island. Because like I said, there is zero tolerance for forgiveness in our family. Mess up once and it’s the guillotine.

I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while. We hope to raise women with a strong moral compass, and women of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school boys. Women of integrity  also don’t write incredibly mean, self-righteous posts that slut-shame teenage girls. Phew, luckily I didn’t do anything like that!

Every day I pray for the men my girls will love.  I hope they will be drawn to real handsome guy (not dorks. No dorks allowed in this super awesome fam), the kind of men who will leave them better people in the end. I also pray that my daughters will be worthy of this kind of man, that they will be patient – and act honorably – while they wait for him.

Boys, it’s not too late! If you think you’ve made an on-line mistake (we all do – don’t fret – I’ve made some doozies), RUN to your accounts and take down  anything that makes it easy for your female friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom. DO IT NOW! I AM THE EMPRESS OF ALL AND I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE DOWN ALL POSTS THAT DON’T MEET MY HIGH STANDARDS. But actually it is too late because we already blocked your skanky ass profile because Jesus and no second chances.

Will you trust me? There are girls out there waiting and hoping for men of character. Some young women are fighting the daily uphill battle to keep their minds pure, and their thoughts praiseworthy. And you shirtless boys in just your swim trunks are ruining it for them. You are making their minds impure and they have no control over it. None! It’s like you’re literally controlling their minds.

You are growing into a real handsome dude, inside and out.

Act like him, speak like him, post like him. Because no second chances.

I’m glad we’re friends. But not like the for reals kind of friends. Like the passive aggressive kind who make really mean judgments about you and then write about it on the internet.


Mrs. Judgmental Slut Shamer Jones

(my response to this post)

717 thoughts on “FYI (if you’re a teenage boy)

  1. the sarcasm in here makes me laugh, while this entire post is true. i don’t add everyone from my school like everyone else does because i see things i don’t give a crap about (i’m also friends with all my nerd bffs xoxo. only), but when i’m on tumblr i might see a guy with his shirt off… *-*
    but yes this is definitely true and i don’t think i would want my daughter, in the future if i had a daughter, looking at half naked boys.

  2. Umm… She’s made modifications to her blog post. But unlike when she changed the pictures, Mrs Hall didn’t post a disclaimer

    In original blog post it said:

    Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he cant ever un-see it? You dont want the Hall boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?


    RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your male friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom.

    But these have been modified to:

    Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it? You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?


    RUN to your accounts and take down the closed-door bedroom selfies that makes it too easy for friends to see you in only one dimension.

    Entire original text is at:

      1. No they don’t.

        Of course her method of non-notification does make it seem like some of her detractors are over-reacting. Could that have been her intent?

        Surely not.

        I’m disagreeing with you. That doesn’t mean I’m not listening to you or understanding what you’re saying – I’m doing all three at the same time.”
        The West Wing, season two, episode four

      2. It’s worth watching. Aaron Sorkin is an excellent dialogue writer.

        Btw, the two versions of her blog that she has currently up on her website do not quite match. And neither matches the original.

        I never would have noticed if I hadn’t gone back to re-read after that person posted today that Mrs Hall was being misunderstood. Well, if she keeps changing things without acknowledging what she’s doing, I agree that I don’t understand her at all.

      3. LOVED this post. As to Hall’s changes, I didn’t realize she’d made such extensive ones! But I don’t think she’s used to this blogging thing or aware of the etiquette.

  3. Great points. I’m a mom and wholeheartedly agree with you.. Sorry but teen boys probably will not read your entire blog. They might read one brief sentence that gets your point across.

    So, tell ’em like it is, mom.. Glad they are others out there like me :/

  4. haha, well put. I hope these young men understand the point you shared – the merit lies within them and not in their arched backs and taut abs.
    glad it got freshly pressed. congratulations

  5. I wish that this was part of the syllabus at my high school. As a teenage girl, I definitely relate to your feelings toward the adolescent male gender. Whether or not everyone agrees with your statement, it is completely true and I see that kind of behavior walking down the hallways of my school. Obviously every guy is not like this, but social media is peer pressuring them to form this male force that is highly arrogant and rude. Coming from a girl that is only sixteen, I have strong evidentiary support proving that everything you said is true.

  6. I’m glad your rebuttal made “Freshly Pressed.” I was fairly dismayed to read the original post and couldn’t understand why it was being given any attention. It gives me hope to see that a fair number of people (particularly yourself) saw how flawed (not to mention hypocritical) that post was. Bravo!

  7. Thank you thank you thank you …. keep up the fabulous writing and I’ll attempt to learn from you so I can keep my blood pressure in a normal range after reading the same irritating, condemning posts each day in which this was a response. Kuddos for capture the perfection of disdain and humor in this remarkable blog post. You made my day!!

  8. Though I agree with the sentiment behind your post the fact the you copied almost word for word someone else’s writing takes away all the credibility for me. What you describe as a response comes across as copying someone else’s work for your own gain. I think it was a really great opportunity to offer your point of view and your own words. Just my opinion.

    1. The copying word for word (and then adding my own snarky asides) was the point. I did offer my own point of view in a follow up piece called, How I really Feel.

      copying someone else’s work for your own gain.

      I wrote this and shared it with only a few friends, who I knew were every bit as flabbergasted and annoyed with the original as I, and that I thought would get a kick out of it. I had no intention of it going viral. My expectation was to gain nothing so your accusation falls flat.

      In other words, sounds great. Thanks for reading.

      1. I was just offering my opinion not an accusation. I took the good out of both posts, it is definitely a two way street with social media and teenagers ughh. When I originally read your post I didn’t see your link to the original so having read the original I felt the copying was ethically wrong. That being said I am willing to forgive Mrs Halls lack of judgment for the distasteful pictures (I have only heard of) though had I seen the original I may have been fired up as well, seems a lot of people were! No disrespect intended and I will be back to check out your other posts.

      2. I think it is a two-way street as well. I’ve seen just as many teenage boys post questionable things online as I have teenage girls. What I didn’t like about the original post is it put all the blame on girls’ shoulders while the boys got a the proverbial “boys will be boys” get out of jail free card. I also think the way to teach children and teenagers acceptable ways to behave is not through shame and zero forgiveness when they do make a mistake.

      3. I agree wholeheartedly. I have resisted the urge to blog about it because I can’t be unbias, the state of our society, slut shaming, teaching our girls “how not to get raped” makes me so angry. Again my apologies for my initial reaction, I should have stepped away and reread before I reacted.I am grateful to you for standing up and being that voice. I barely watch Dr. Phil but I am following the Steubinville and Rehteah Parsons cases closely (2nd part just started) the parents of the boys accused have that “boys will be boys attitude” I am yelling at the TV. Thanks again!!

    2. It’s a parody. Using the same words is the point. Complaining about that is like getting mad at Weird Al for using the same music Don McLean did in “American Pie” for “The Saga Begins.” If he didn’t use the same wouldn’t be a parody.

  9. This is one of the most entertaining posts I’ve read in quite a while. I quite loved reading this piece. Made me a bit reflective though. Yeah I’m out of high school so immediate relevance is, in a way, lost, but honestly it brings on a sense of reflection. What have I posted in the past that might colour me in such a way that I wouldn’t want others to view? Not to mention my current relationship and how my actions relate to it.
    Regardless this is a very clever post, also I love the whole Empress bit.

  10. Love it and thank you! Miss Fancy Pants Hall moderated my response to her post. She stated that she would not allow any vulgar or threatening posts, but apparently my highlighting why she’s wrong was considered vulgar despite the complete lack of vulgarity. I think she just couldn’t handle being told how it really is in a well-written voice with good points. I hope she’s read your post, but I fear she will just roll her self-righteous eyes and hit ESC.

  11. Great post! The original post was horrible! I only read the original one because my husband pointed out that many of our Church members re-posted it on facebook praising her strong moral values. Thank you for helping me release my rage with a chuckle! Awesome job!

  12. Thank you so much for this post! I am sick of this whole thing with people claiming boys cannot control themselves if they see a scantily clad girl, maybe it would be better to raise boys to realise that it’s just a human body (even if it is of the opposite sex) and that lots of girls wear clothes that show their legs or stomachs because it’s warm or they just like the clothes, it’s not to get male attention or because they want to be thought of that way.

  13. i have two teen boys and your nights sound alot like mine. my teen boys know if they post anything rude, crude or inappropriate… it’s not acceptable just NEVER gonna happen with this mom. here’s the deal, we live in a changing world and guess what… we have a chance to change these ppl. stay interested in your kid’s life until at least 18…maybe, just maybe we can help shift this ugly society into something a little more respectable. your post should be directed toward’s the boys parents… you should email a copy to them. They are not doing their job, these boys you are referring to are just children, just like your girls. The boys parents either don’t know or if they don’t care… then you’ve done your due diligence to help a child.

  14. This is hilarious! I read the original post a couple of weeks ago and was appalled by the slut shaming and victim blaming thought patterns she is brain washing her sons with. I hope my future daughter will never end up marrying a guy like that.
    And Ps; what makes this post even more hilarious are all the people in the comments who think you are being serious! It´s called irony people!

  15. So glad to read a response to the the seriously disturbing “letter to Teenage girls ” or whatever it was called; the original had me truly feeling sick to my stomach: “OK, girls, if you evince evince the SLIGHTEST bit of sexuality, or pride in the fleeting beauty of youth, or in your great athletic build, if you do ANYTHING on-line that causes me or my boys or their dad to feel a tingling in our groins, you are out of the running.” Shoot , half the stuff my 3 teenage and early 20’s daughters post is ‘sexy ‘ just because they are so gorgeous because they are young and dynamic and funny…. but they don’t post it for that reason, and would be baffled or offended if you responded to them as tho’ it were. Who wants yer ol’ sons, if they are just going to all sex-obsessed and stuff…maybe if you had let ’em masturbate when they were little, they would be able to see women as human and not just tantalyzing vamps …. excuse me if I am too crass here. Again, thank you for taking the time to satirize something that was in serious need of satirization.
    —from a mom who had 2 other’Christian’ moms post the original on her fb page

  16. I read this a couple of months ago. I thought it was funny then, but I was blissfully unaware of the original. Now that I’ve read the scary original, this is all the funnier. Thank you.

  17. In defense of the boys, why do you need to block them. When you watch Olympic speedos you see men in speedos. It’s normal life. There’s no difference.
    Best wishes,
    and Liam
    Mostly Jo

    1. Dear Jo and Liam,

      This is a satire piece based on a real blogpost a mom wrote about blocking teenage girls. I linked to it at the bottom of this post.

      And I don’t watch the Olympics because I find it boring.

  18. So I am a bit behind in reading mostly because I would rather wait for the movie version as opposed to having to focus and read. However I read the blog post this came from and then read yours and I almost died giggling so thank you for being a total force to be reckoned with in the sarcastic, satire department. I live for this kind of humor and I now bow down to your amazing post 🙂

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