For the irony impaired, this post is a parody of this post
Let me make this perfectly clear: I’m a gal. A female. I have a double X chromosome. And lady parts.
And because I’m a possessor of a double X, some will immediately discount my opinion regarding Father’s Day. It is true: I will never be a dad. I will never experience what it feels like to create sperm, to feel it grow inside me – and that is kind of a bummer, because sperm is awesome. On the other hand, I will never have anyone kick me in the undermeats until I cry like a baby and then have to walk around bow-legged for a whole day. That part? Not such a bummer because tender undermeats is a thing.
What I know about Fatherhood is as a beneficiary, first-hand witness, and supporter of both the men and the Godly institution of fatherhood, spermhood, and such. The righteous nobility of the XY holders!
On a very serious note, I have been greatly blessed in my life, more so than some because I’m just that awesomely righteous: I will also never experienced what it feels like to not be able to have children because my eggs and my husbro’s spermys work. I do not know what it is like to not love my father, or have him not love me. I do not know what it is like to have my children not love, appreciate and acknowledge their own father – my “Eternal Dudebro”. I recognize that I am very privileged in this area. But I WILL NOT recognize the amount of privilege I have when I lay all this self-righteous bull crap on you right now.
Many women, and men, struggle with having children. Some fight for years to conceive – many never do. Please hand me my Captain Obvious cape. This is something I can’t understand on a personal level, but will self-righteously lecture the rest of you on how to handle. Many bravely fight the adoption battle to add a child to their family, which isn’t really a battle and I’m kind of an ass for labeling it that way. Many men have such difficult and frayed relationships with their own fathers. Heartbreak does abound. And yet while I acknowledge heartbreak, I will not be sensitive or empathetic to anyone about theirs and will now lecture you on how all you Father’s Day whiners are harshing my mellow.
Those who are living with that heartbreak deserve our love, and our acknowledgment.. They also deserve to be heard…Except now I’m going to totally discount hearing them with what I’m just about to write by saying…
But not this weekend.
The following are actual comments I received on my blog when I dared sing the praises of Father’s Day:
“Father’s Day just makes me feel guilty for not being a good enough father.” (Risa rates this a level 1 whiner)
“I loathe church on Father’s Day, because it is usually a long, drawn out testimonial to these “perfect” fathers who certainly didn’t get divorced and have kids who all went on missions and got married in the temple. Father’s Day is the WORST day of the year for me, and I’d just as soon it didn’t even happen.” (Risa rates this a level 10 whiner for clarity and depth)
“I would rather my family just pretend that Father’s Day doesn’t exist. The last thing I need is my wife and kids wasting money on things I don’t want or need.” (Risa rates this a level 5 whiner because gifts you don’t need are always a must…stop looking gift Father’s Day horses in the mouth)
“I hate going to Church on Father’s Day because I wasn’t able to have kids.” (Whine s’more whiner, infertility is suuuuuch a bummer topic, whiner level 6)
“I don’t like the fuss they make in church. I don’t. I guess it’s because I struggle with my own relationship with my dad, and I am not sure some days about how good of a dad I am. It’s a hard day, and I dread it like the plague.” (Whine, whine, whine…dysfunctional relationships only get a whine level 3)
Ugh. No, I didn’t make those up. I copied and pasted. (Because I know how to use Word. Thanks Microsoft! Copy and paste is my favorite feature.) Can you believe these whiners? These people are expressing their valid and legitimate issues with this holiday on MY BLOG? Don’t they know I’m devoid of any empathy and compassion? I can’t hear the sound of your whining over my own awesomeness!
There are Father’s Day haters out there, who are quick to let the world know their displeasure. To them I would say:
Excuse me…dudebros: You do understand that everything isn’t always about you, right? I mean, sure Father’s Day is about Fathers and actual Fathers are expressing why this day is hard for them, but they know that Father’s Day isn’t about Father’s right? I’m mean, that is just LOL worthy.
You know that there are other men in the world who actually like Father’s Day, and kind of enjoy being recognized for the most important thing they will do in their lives? Right? I mean, it should be ALL ABOUT THEM. Who cares about your pathetic little feel bads. Again, harshing my mellow with your wah wahs.
And you understand that as you complain about it, and talk about how much you hate it, and how unfair you think it is, can cause these well-deserving fathers to enjoy their day less, right? I mean, you having empathy and compassion for other people’s pain on your special day is just so not what Jesus would do. Do you think he spends his birthday worrying about all the whiners and how hard Christmas is for them? I don’t think so. Jesus has way better things to do than worry about the hurts of others. Jesus doesn’t care about your hurt little fee fees!
Unbelievably, some in church leadership worry if they should even acknowledge the fathers at church for fear of hurting your feelings, or having you feel left out. Can you even believe these saps have considered being sympathetic and considerate of other people’s feelings???? This isn’t why I go to church! I go so I can feel superior about my privileges and blessings that others don’t have. And your whining is really making it hard for me to feel how blessed I am.
You are emotionally stronger than that…right? Probably not since you’re acknowledging this day is hard for you, but what do I know about being considerate of other people’s feelings? Seeing someone else getting recognition for something you don’t have doesn’t really stir up thoughts of envy, and anguish…does it? Because I’m very privileged and it really annoys me when people are so jealous of me. It’s like, why are you so obsessed with me? I can’t help it if I’m more popular with Jesus than you and so he rewards me more fully. Only Regina George can truly understand my pain.
So, how about for the next few days we all just take a breath, bite our tongues, and let the Dads enjoy their holiday? There are 51 other weekends a year to vent. Except don’t vent to me, because I am too busy counting all my Jesus blessings to listen to you whiners.
As for me?
This Father’s Day, I’m going to be thinking about how awesomely blessed I am to be fertile, have a good relationship with my dad, that my dad is still alive, and that he never beat me, abused me, ran around on my mom, or all the other legitimate reasons why someone would rightfully feel sad about this holiday.
Because I CAN! Didn’t I just tell you just how privileged I am??? If that doesn’t demand respect and recognition, I don’t know what does in this society anymore!
I would invite those of you who hate Father’s Day to check your emotions, and join with us in celebrating Fatherhood. Think about your own Dad. If that is difficult, mend fences if necessary (Code for repent) because if you have a bad relationship with your Dad, it couldn’t be that he abused you or is an emotionally toxic person…no, it’s your own lack of righteousness! Repent ye sinners! At the very least, we can all celebrate the Institution of Fatherhood. Because sperm is awesome.
But don’t sour it for everyone else. Wait until Monday for that. Get over it whiners. I have no time for empathy and compassion. That’s for suckers who don’t have totes cool blogs like me.