Toxic People

A little over three years ago my supervisor was a Marriage and Family Therapist. He had done therapy with individuals, groups, and families for more than twenty years and always had really good insight in staff meetings. We all learned a great deal from him on how to communicate effectively and efficiently with each other in the office, with clients, and others in our private lives.

Unfortunately at that time I was having conflict with someone in my life that I was trying to make right. I went to my supervisor on many occasions for advice, but it wasn’t until I sat down with him during a performance review that turned into a pseudo-therapy session that I finally gained some insight to how to fix the problem. He was giving me some very good advice about humility and forgiveness and I was soaking it all in. I felt like I was finally getting the answers I needed. Then I shared with him all the things this person had said about me and done to me.

He stopped.

He sighed.

He said to me that he never liked to badmouth another person. Having worked with him for more than five years at that point I knew that to be true. But then he said something that changed my life, it set me free, and I surrendered to the fact that nothing I ever say or do was going to matter from that point forward. He said to me:

Marisa, some people are too toxic to have a relationship with.

I’d like to say that my life changed instantly and it was all made better after this. I took in what he said, but I didn’t listen. I still believed that if I was just humble enough, fell on my sword enough, said I was sorry enough, I could fix it. It wasn’t until I tried one last time, thought things were better, only to step in the proverbial dog pile again did I realize how true his words are.

Some people are too toxic to have a relationship with.

Once I finally realized this, once this little piece of enlightenment had finally taken root deep within me, once I surrendered to the notion that there is nothing I can say or do to make things better because it’s really not about me at all, I was set free.

Recently I came this article titled, “10 Toxic People You Should Avoid Like the Plague,” on written by Lolly Daskal and I found it incredibly insightful and helpful for me. I hope you find it helpful as well.

1. Toxic arrogance

There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence inspires; arrogance intimidates. Arrogant people always know best and feel superior to others. They will never celebrate your confidence because it interferes with their arrogance.

2. Toxic victimhood

One of the most dangerous people you can have around you is the perpetual victim. Perpetual victims look at their own issues and mistakes and always find others to blame, from their unreasonable boss to their unloving parents. They never take ownership of their own lives.

3. Toxic control

Controlling people know everything and the best way to do anything. They’re usually very insecure beneath it all, but as long as they’re around you’ll never get a chance to voice an idea or do anything yourself.

4. Toxic envy

Those plagued with jealousy are never happy with what they have, and they aren’t capable of being happy when good things happen to you. They can’t appreciate it when others achieve or move forward; they feel that if anything good is going to happen, it should happen to them.

5. Toxic lies

As long as there are people, there will be people who lie. But chronic liars are harmful because you never know what to believe, so you can’t count on their promises or their word. They will lie to you about others, and they will lie to others about you.

6. Toxic negativity

You probably know someone who’s always angry and resentful, suspicious of everything. Negativity destroys relationships, and spending time with negative people makes you feel they are sucking the life out of you.

7. Toxic greed

So much of our culture tells us to want more, achieve more, earn more. And to a degree that kind of desire and ambition can be good. But it turns toxic when people want it all–what’s theirs and what’s not–and when having, rather than doing or being, becomes the focus of their life.

8. Toxic judgmentalism

There is a big difference between making a judgment and being judgmental. Judgments are objective and based on discernment, while being judgmental is just about criticism. Judgmental people are always quick to jump to conclusions. They are poor listeners and communicators.

9. Toxic gossip

Gossipers see themselves as having a deep conversation about someone, an exchange of information. They do it to elevate themselves above their insecurity, and there’s no distinction between speculation and fact. Few things are more destructive than gossip.

10. Toxic lack of character

When someone lacks integrity and honesty–when cheating, lying, manipulating, gossip, and greed are part of the norm–there are few things they won’t do to get their way. If they decide you’re an obstacle to them, they’ll come after you with everything they’ve got.

2 thoughts on “Toxic People

  1. Hi Risa, I just listened to your FHM podcast on adoption, and I’d really like to have a chance to email/talk to you. I have also done a podcast on adoption for FHM, and have some questions for you. If you’re amenable to chatting with me, could you please respond here or send me an email at [redacted for privacy]? THANK YOU!! Best wishes.

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