“I’m not going to betray my heart and sacrifice myself on the fires of your expectation.” –C. Ara Campbell
Photo by Natalie Grono
“I’m not going to betray my heart and sacrifice myself on the fires of your expectation.” –C. Ara Campbell
Photo by Natalie Grono
On Friday, February 5, 2016 the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints opposed a bill in the Utah legislature brought forth by Senator Mark Madsen that would make Utah the 24th state to legalize medical marijuana. citing unintended consequences that could come with use of the drug.
And I am angry.
I grew up being taught that the LDS church was politically neutral. Every election season a letter is read over the pulpit in every Ward in the United States written by the First Presidency emphatically stating that the church keeps out of politics.
However, this past legislative session in Utah has proven that the church’s long-claimed stance of political neutrality is false. Most people outside the state don’t understand how one religion, no matter how prominent, can have such an effect on state policies. But it does. Most of the state legislators identify as LDS and as any LDS person will tell you, when the prophet speaks, you listen, and you do as you are told. Obedience above conscious.
The reason for opposing medical marijuana?
You mean like people suffering from chronic, debilitating, and painful diseases getting relief?
You mean like people who do suffer those painful diseases not becoming addicted to the opioids their doctors prescribe because that’s all doctors can do legally?
You mean like people being high all the time on THC? NEWFLASH – these same people are high all the time. On opioids.
And because they are having to ever increase their opioid use with no legal proven alternative available, it is leading to some patients becoming addicted. Utah has an insanely high opioid usage rate as well as heroin rate. The Utah Department of Health has noted that Utah has an experienced a more than 400% increase in prescription drug use injuries and death in the last decade. An average of 21 Utahns die a month due to prescription drug overdoses. Utah ranks 8th highest in prescription drug overdose deaths in the United States.
Marijuana isn’t the drug you should be worried about, LDS church.
Heavy opioid use for chronic pain also leads to liver damage, digestive difficulties like not being able to keep food down and chronic, and bowel damaging, constipation.
I’m sure the LDS church leaders believe this is a moral issue, so I have to ask…
What’s so moral about letting people suffer?
No one has ever overdosed on Marijuana.
I could see if this were legalizing recreational marijuana use why the LDS church would be opposed to that and taking a strong stance against it.
But this is about medicinal use in oil form. Mormons love their medicinal oils. I’m sure if doTerra was pushing this, all the prominent MLM owning Mormons would jump at having it legalized.
Luckily Senator Madsen is not kowtowing to the incredible and inappropriate overreach of the LDS church into state politics. He has proposed 8 amendments to the law that he hopes will alleviate concerns to the Bill.
Anecdotally, when my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in August 2007. She opted for chemotherapy treatments to extend her life and it was awful. She threw up constantly. She couldn’t keep any food down, thereby becoming dehydrated. She was in constant pain. Her doctor prescribed for her Marinol to help increase her appetite and deal with the nausea chemotherapy caused. Marinol is one of the cannabinoids.
I wish I could sit down with the leaders of the LDS church and describe to them what it was like to watch my mom suffer an absolute nightmarish hell during her last 3 months on this earth. I wish I could tell them what it was like to sit with her in her hospital room watching her writhe in pain, wake up and look at me with panic-stricken eyes that reminded me of a wounded animal, and beg me, BEG ME, her second daughter, someone she called “girl baby” and nursed at her breast until I was 15 months old, BEG ME to go find someone to kill her. Please tell me how you would feel to have your mother, a light and sunshine to everyone she knew, be suffering so much she begged you to find someone to take her life.
You know that scene in Terms of Endearment when Debra Winger is in the hospital dying of cancer and her mother, Shirley MacClaine, goes and screams at the nurses and demands they relieve the suffering of her dying daughter? Yeah, that was me.
Please tell where the dignity is in letting dying people suffer when oil from a plant…A PLANT that God planted in the ground.. can alleviate suffering? Why are those who aren’t suffering constantly asking others to do it when they have no idea the pain that is involved?
On another anecdotal note, I’m old enough now to have several friends who suffer from various chronic, painful diseases: Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Rheumatoid arthritis, Anxiety, Erytohmelalgia (or Mitchell’s syndrome), and numerous other autoimmune disorders. THC has been proven to alleviate the pain and other symptoms that these debilitating and painful diseases cause. Prescribing people who are suffering ever-increasing amounts of opioids is unconscionable, and I would argue, ammoral.
So I’m begging the leaders of the LDS church to do the right thing. I was always taught growing up in church to do the right thing and let the consequences follow. I was taught to be honest in my dealings. I was taught to put the pain and suffering of others above my own comfort. Please LDS church, practice what you preach. Again I ask,
What’s so moral about letting people suffer?
It’s so much more than a hashtag. #AftonStrong is a cause close to my heart.
Afton Wallace is my second cousin on my mom’s side. Her dad, Rob, and my mom are first cousins. My grandma and her grandpa are brother and sister. Afton and I share great-grandparents. I think that’s how second cousins work.
Afton Wallace is more than just my second cousin. In the last year Afton has taught me to live more fully and love more deeply. She has taught me about courage and fortitude. She has taught me what a real Superhero looks like. She’s half my age but has taught me about the kind of person I want to be: strong, brave, fearless, positive, inspiring, formidable, optimistic, loving, generous.
Afton is a senior in High School in Mississippi. Afton was her high school’s Homecoming Queen last Fall, she was named Miss Warren Central High School, she was voted Class Favorite, was the captain of her swimming team this year, scored a 33 on the ACT (that’s the 99th percentile), earned a full-ride scholarship to BYU for this Fall, took AP classes her senior year, and is graduating with honors this month  . She is quite a smart, accomplished young woman. But the truly remarkable thing is she has done all of this while battling Stage 4 Ewing Sarcoma, a very rare childhood bone cancer that is very aggressive  .
Afton was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma on May 22, 2014 and was only given a few days to live. Afton had tumors on her pelvic bone, spine, liver, and kidneys. She immediately started chemotherapy and radiation and her progress far exceeded doctor’s expectations. In January of this year we thought things were starting to turn around when doctors declared her to be in remission. However, a short month later Afton relapsed with a significant tumor on her brain. In March scans showed that Afton has numerous tumors growing throughout her body. Since last May, Afton has spent over 120 days in the hospital, undergone 45 radiation treatments, and received 70 doses of chemotherapy. 
And through it all Afton has “just kept swimming,” her motto from the movie Finding Nemo. Swimming is something Afton knows well considering she has been competitively swimming since she was in grade school and was a star athlete on her swimming team. Afton’s positive attitude in the face of insurmountable odds has inspired thousands of people, including me, her older cousin. On her Facebook page, Afton Wallace #mymissionisremission, she and her parents post countless videos of Afton singing after chemo treatments and pictures of her bright, smiling face . Afton acknowledges she has her hard moments as well. “You can have breakdown moments cause everyone has breakdown moments, and sometimes you have them every day,” says Afton. “But you have to keep a smile on your face to make it through. You really do.” 
As I have watched my sweet cousin face this impossible battle over the last year I am continually humbled by her optimism, good humor, and ability to give to others during, which should be some of her darkest moments. As part of her occupational therapy, Afton has been crocheting infinity scarves and donating them to a clinic for abused women in California. She also reaches out to other cancer patients and lifts their spirits. Anyone would be justified in being angry at their situation and not want to help others and maybe sometimes Afton does feel that way, but she does not show it publicly and instead her generous spirit shines through every time.
This quote by Helen Keller is one of my very favorites. If anyone had reason to give up and wallow in the unfairness of life, it was Helen Keller. Instead she overcame all her disabilities to be a social justice warrior and an iconic and inspirational American. This quote exemplifies Afton to me. Afton has opened a new doorway for the human spirit. Before her, I never knew that a young person could be so hopeful, optimistic, brave, wise and mature beyond her years, and heroic. She has reminded me just how precious and beautiful life is. She has taught me to never take a single day for granted. Her parents, Rob and Sheri, have taught me how precious our children are and how to be a rock of strength when everything inside you is crumbling to pieces. The Wallaces have taught me what true courage looks like. They have taught me more about unconditional love, sacrifice, and faith than I could ever learn from any book. And like I said at the beginning, Afton has taught me to live more fully and to love more deeply than I ever would have before her diagnosis.
Sadly, our hearts all broke last Friday, May 8th, when Sheri made the announcement that Afton’s latest CT and PET scans showed that her latest chemotherapy was not working and her tumors have tripled in size and dramatically increased in number. There are no more standard treatment options available to Afton and her body will not be able to recover enough to participate in a clinical trial. The doctors believe that Afton has less than 3 months to live. 
I read the news when I was checking Facebook on a break and I broke down in tears. I cried for Rob and Sheri and the devastation they must be going through. I cried for Afton’s siblings, Kaylynne, Abigail, Scott, and Katie. I cried for Afton and for the life and future she deserves. I cried for Afton’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, 58 first cousins, extended family, friends, and hometown of Vicksburg, MS.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair when this happens to those who want to live the most and have the most to live for.
I thought about Afton and what I could do to help, and there’s nothing I can do except contribute to her GoFundMe page . I thought about how selfless and giving Afton has been through all of this. I remembered that she always felt better after having blood transfusions, and though I have never done it before, I made an appointment for the very next day with the Red Cross to donate my blood. I learned that my blood will help save the lives of three people. If I can’t save Afton’s life, I can at least help someone else. 
Despite the odds, Afton is not giving up and neither are the people who love her. We don’t give up. We just keep swimming and we petition the Lord constantly with prayers for continued miracles.
I can’t let myself think far enough ahead into a future that doesn’t include Afton. If and when she passes from this life, whether that’s 90 days or 90 years from now, Afton will leave a great legacy of love, courage, optimism, enthusiasm for life, endurance, strength, grace, and success.
Afton your life has been a success because you made the lives of those who love you better by simply being you.
There are no words in the English language adequate enough to express my deep love and gratitude to Afton and her family. They are a miracle, and through the atonement of Jesus Christ, no matter what happens, we will all be together forever. There is no mutant cell that could ever take that away. Because of His grace, cancer will never win. It can destroy a physical body, but it cannot harm an eternal soul.
Don’t give up. Never quit. Just keep swimming. Just keep smiling. Just keep loving. Give more. Love more. Live more. Enjoy more. Seek out joy. Look for miracles. Never let go.
Those are the lessons I’ve learned from my dear, sweet, younger cousin.
“…unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3
This article is posted with the gracious permission of the Wallace family.
The article was featured on The Huffington Post where Afton herself picked the beautiful pictures that were featured. RIP Beautiful girl.
 MS NEWS NOW | WLBT, WDBD (http://www.msnewsnow.com/story/28949637/afton-wallace-her-fight-for-life)
 The Vicksburg Post (http://www.vicksburgpost.com/2015/05/03/just-keep-swimming/)
 Afton Wallace #mymissionisremission (https://www.facebook.com/aftonwallacemymissionisremission?fref=ts)
 Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Almost 3 years ago (March 2010) I read a post by the infamous Mormon Mommy blogger, cJane Kendrick, about why she is not a feminist. It inspired to me write my own post about why I do identify as a feminist, but it took me 15 months to write. On Monday cJane published a post about why she now realizes that she is a feminist and why she claims that title. She cites growing up believing boys were better than girls, her abusive first marriage, and working out an egalitarian marriage with her current spouse that has helped her evolve her views in her life.
How I came to feminism was much, much different than cJane’s. I didn’t grow up believing boys were better than girls. In fact, both my parents strove hard to teach me that boys are not better than girls, girls are not better than boys, and that girls were every bit as capable and smart as boys are. My mom worked for the federal government in Washington D.C. for 10 years and was the first woman to go against dress code and wear a pantsuit to work. My dad was raised by a strong, hard-working woman and has three very smart and capable sisters and has always shown that he believes in equality of the sexes (and by equality I mean of equal worth). Because of my parents, I was raised to believe that I could be and do anything I wanted. The truly shocking thing for me was going out into the world (you know, the cold harsh world of elementary school) and having people treat me like I wasn’t as smart, capable, and strong as the boys because I was a girl. And this has pretty much continued whenever I have left the safety of home and family my entire life. Like the boy who laughed at me at church because I said my dad was at home doing laundry, (“boys don’t do laundry, you idiot! That’s a girl’s job”), or my Geometry teacher who on the first day of my sophomore year explained to the class that us girls should expect a lower grade than the boys because girls’ brains just can’t compute Math the way that boys’ do, or when I was expected to do the dishes in my cooking class because I was the resident keeper of that magical vagina that makes dish washing possible, or when I got into the adult world and found out people’s expectations of me were based on my gender and not on my capabilities or interests.
Feminism to me has always been about choice. In cJane’s article she talks about the growing pains she and her husband went through when figuring out parenting responsibilities and that ultimately they have a system now that works for both of them and respects and honors each other’s life paths. That is great for her and shouldn’t we all be allowed to decide what is best for us and our families without some 3rd party trying to enforce gender roles or what they think the “ideal” is on us? Shouldn’t my husband and I get to decide together that both of our educations and careers are important to us and work together to support each other in pursuing those things? While co-parenting, while sharing household responsibilities, while being partners to each other? Why should my life fit into some box because someone else said so? And if someone wants to pursue a more traditional path, shouldn’t they be allowed to do that without judgment?
In my last post about why I’m a feminist, I listed some reasons why (and I apologize because switching to WordPress from Blogger made it so it did not format the same and it’s not as pleasing to the eye as before). Here are more reasons I have accrued in the last year and a half.
So, I have to say brava to cJane. Not because she came out as a feminist and all, because I read her blog regardless of how she self-identifies, but because she is a famous Mormon woman who has been speaking her truth a lot recently (her political leanings, her abusive first marriage) and it takes a lot of courage to speak your truth and let people say what they will about it. It’s not easy to have a big platform that reaches an audience of hundreds of thousands and invite them all to judge you.
Pancreatic Cancer currently has a 6% five-year survival rate, the lowest among all major cancer killers. This year alone more than 37,000 Americans will succumb to pancreatic cancer, while nearly 44,000 more will be diagnosed. And according to a recently released report, the number of pancreatic cancer deaths is on the rise, and it is anticipated to become the second largest cancer killer in the United States by 2020, and possibly as early as 2015 (source: Pancreatic Cancer Action Network).
I have been pretty candid about the role pancreatic cancer has played in my life. In August 2007 I went over to my mother’s house with the hubs so he could give her a blessing, as she had been really sick as of late. It was in the dining room where she took me by the hand and told me the doctors had found a large tumor on the tail end of her pancreas during a CAT scan. That moment changed my life forever. That moment was the beginning of the end of my mother’s life. In the last five years, my family has had to learn to pick up the pieces of our lives and acclimate to a “new normal.” It hasn’t been easy or fun and there are many days I curse pancreatic cancer and what it took from me, what it took from my children, what it took from my siblings, what it took from my nephews and niece, what it took from my father, who it took from this world too young.
November is the month dedicated to raising awareness about Pancreatic cancer and since 2007 I’ve tried to do just that. Every year I make a donation to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. You can too. The money goes toward research and helping victims of this horrible disease.
I lost my Mom to this disease.
I lost my Great Aunt Beth to this disease.
We lost the hubs’s paternal Grandfather to this disease.
We don’t want to lose anyone else.
Domestic violence maintains its power through the silence and shame of its victims.
For any victim of intimate partner abuse (whether physical, emotional, sexual or a combination of the three), it is extremely difficult to react appropriately to the abuse that has been perpetrated. Therefore, leaving an abusive relationship is complicated. Leaving is complicated and people should be aware that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is after she/he leaves the relationship. It would be beneficial for someone wanting to leave an abusive relationship to talk with a domestic violence advocate and develop a safety plan for this time.
There are programs for abusers that seek to change abusive behavior through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, education and group responsibility. Find out what programs exist in your community and if it is safe to do so, inform your husband/wife/partner that they must participate in one of these programs if they wants to keep the marriage/relationship together. Batterer Intervention Programs have a high recidivism rate but some treatment is better than no treatment.
If you are LDS, the General Authorities have been quite clear that there is no room for any form of abuse in a marriage relationship. For example, the Church Handbook of Instructions specifically states: The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouse, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man…Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline (source: mryanes, a domestic violence expert).
Ten Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Name Calling: Calling someone names is an attempt to lower self-esteem as is the intent of abusive techniques. Verbal remarks such as “idiot,” “ugly,” “stupid” and “crybaby,” among others, hurt as much, if not more, than physical blows. Words wound the heart, not the body.
Spying: Going through a person’s purse, wallet, files, computer hard-drive and cell phone history; sending someone with you as you go out for the evening just to keep an eye on you; and showing up when you are out with your friends–all are examples of spying, jealousy and distrust. When your privacy is continually invaded and your computer habits tracked or phone calls questioned, you are being abused.
Control over your time: Someone requiring you to be home right after work or someone who insists on picking you up at work and dropping you off are not signs of caring, but rather signs of control and abuse. When the abuser wants to know where you are every minute of the day and requires frequent check-ins, it is because they believe their control over you may be threatened.
Prohibiting friendships: Cutting you off from your friends and family is the abuser’s way of cutting you off from your support system. Tearing someone away from support weakens a person.
Controlling Money: Taking your paycheck and not allowing money for necessities is a common way of keeping the victim close to the abuser. If you do not have enough money for food and clothing, you will not have enough money to leave.
Forced Sex: Forcing someone to have sex when they do not want it, even if it’s your spouse, is rape. In most states, spousal rape is a felony. Forced sex is not love and can leave deep emotional scars in addition to physical harm.
Threats: Threats of violence toward you, your children, friends or family members, is abuse. The abuser seeks to intimidate you into submission by playing upon your fear. Fear is a terrific motivator and abusers know it well. It is the most often used weapon in an abusive relationship.
Accusations: Accusing you of flirting, of being interested in someone else, of being out with someone else–frequently these are behaviors projected onto you that the abuser is, or would be willing to engage in, themselves.
Forced Drug Use: Engaging in illegal behavior of drug use is an easy way to force an abuse victim into submission. While under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the victim is not able to fight back or control what it happening. This abuse technique may be followed by forced sex with the abuser or with multiple partners of the abuser’s choosing.
Physical Violence: the most common form of abuse is, of course, physical violence. Every day emergency rooms are filled with victims of domestic violence. ER personnel always hope to finally reach the victims and help them escape their violent situations. One of the classic signs of physical abuse, however, often isn’t visible to anyone but the victim when they are standing naked in front of the mirror. An extremely clever abuser will not strike their victim in an area that is not covered by clothing. If no one ever questions, “where did you get that,” how will anyone ever know the truth of the relationship? No questioning means no support and no one understanding what is happening.
Abusive relationships are more common than you may think. One in four relationships, carries some form of abuse. It takes strength and support from loved ones and friends to stand up for yourself and say “no more.” For further information on abusive relationships and domestic violence, please contact your local domestic violence shelter, or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). This number will lead you to immediate help in your area. Help is available in either English or Spanish and 170 other languages through interpreters (source: LiveStrong).
How You can Help a Victim of Domestic Violence
Power and Control Equality Wheel
Although this wheel is from perspective that the victim is female and the abuser is male, abuse can happen in all gendered situations. Male on Female, Female on Male, Male on Male, Female on Female.
To learn about the prevalence of Domestic Violence in Utah, read this study.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers some great resources and ways to take action against Domestic Violence on their website.